Recently I've been going through something. I don't know what that something is, but both my parents said they noticed I've been having an attitude. I didn't know I was having an attitude, why didn't anyone tell me sooner? Why didn't I notice until I had to be crushed by someone I (wrongly) put trust in? Why didn't anyone say "hey big head jerk!! Knock it off!!" until now? How long have I been having this attitude?
I also learned first-hand what I already knew. Gossip is BAD, it can (and will) turn around and bite you square in the butt. I learned that loneliness is really, really painful. I wanted to have someone to trust and thought this someone was a friend, so I/we gossiped while we chatted. You guessed it, it came back around with a vengence when this person told what I said to the person I gossiped about. OUCH!! Very stupid, very very stupid and immature and rotten. I deserve whatever bad things that come my way for awhile. Being humbled hurts, but is necessary. I wish it wasn't though. I wish I had listened to the spirit before but now I have to eat a huge helping of humble pie. I deserve it, I have it coming.
I'm sorry if this sounds pathetic. I'm sorry to anyone I've hurt. I'm sorry I've felt so alone, but maybe I brought it on myself. Most likely. I wish I was the person I want to be; a better mother, wife and friend. A better daughter of God. I wish I could be MORE. I think I am trying, I think I'm not doing such a bad job and then your parents tell you you've had an attitude. Thirty something years old and I still have an attitude. Do we ever get smarter or just older?
At the same time I'm having this pity party, I am reminding myself of my rich blessings. The Lord has given me a wonderful family I don't deserve (not self pity, I know who I have been in the past). I have the love of a most amazing, smart, supportive husband and beautiful sons any mother would be proud to have. I have some wonderful, special friends. Dawn in particular has become more precious to me then she will know. I want to be sure to try to let her know, I never want to loose another important person again because I wasn't a good friend. We have a home of our own, good schools and plenty of food. Even the opportunity to learn and try to use my talents is a blessing. Having and knowing those talents, being able to develop them is a huge blessing. Even being inspired by so many that are so much more talented is a blessing. How wonderful to see the beauty of those that try and do!!!
I am a shmuck, but I know I am. Now I will try to become a more humble shmuck. Please hold my hand and bear with me. And please, someone, tell me when I'm being too much of a shmuck.